Tag: griefhurts

What Would I Change?

Categories The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , 1 Comment on What Would I Change?

As the 1 year mark of Sarah’s entry to heaven is here, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot about our journey. I think it’s normal to question our decisions that we made, as they pertain to someone that we’ve lost. Honestly, when you’re grieving, thoughts of your loved one are never far, but I’ve been specifically taking a more detailed walk down memory lane. Sometimes that’s good and sometimes that’s not so good. All the hard memories are still so fresh and raw in my mind. I know that we’re through the worst of it and the important thing is that Sarah is healed and whole now. She is ok. However, I still found myself contemplating what should we have done differently, if we could go back in time?

Obviously, the first thing that I often wonder is if I should have taken her to the doctor earlier for her pain. There was nothing visible or any physical limitations that she was experiencing. She would take some Tylenol because her shoulder ached and then wouldn’t complain again for another couple of weeks. It was just so intermittent and never seemed that intense, until it was. That’s when we decided to go to Riley. Maybe it’s just me justifying my decision as a mom, but if we would have gone sooner, would it have changed anything? Maybe, I guess we’ll never know. What it would have changed, if we had gone earlier, is that she would have been pulled from school and the life that she knew. Some of her most favorite high school memories happened in the weeks before her diagnosis. She was a freshman in high school and finally gaining some independence from mom and dad. She attended the RYLA conference, an FFA retreat, FFA convention, which honestly I know gave her courage for what was about to happen. So, it’s very hard for me to imagine how different things might have been had she never had those experiences. She made some really special friends during those events and matured as a person.

Should we have sought treatment somewhere else? Sometimes families that are fighting pediatric cancer end of traveling very far to receive treatment. Sometimes they end up in New York, Texas, or at St Jude’s in Tennessee, or even other hospital’s across the nation. There were times when we questioned treatment options, but we also knew that Sarah’s Doctors were consulting with other doctors about her case in some of those very places. If we would have started treatment at another hospital, I feel like the strain on our family would have been even greater, especially during COVID. I know that the relationships that Sarah made at Riley were precious to her. She felt loved and cared for by her doctor and nurses. The protocol would have been the same at any other hospital- as they all follow a plan that is devised for all of the pediatric oncology units that are networked together. Again, we could always wonder if another drug or chemo combo would have worked against her tumor, but that same chemo could have made her life a living hell. What we tried, was tolerable, until it just wasn’t effective. I completely understand why sometimes cancer patients refuse treatment and just decide to live out their days. I feel like Sarah was still able to be herself and enjoy some quality of life, despite being so sick.

Should we have brought her home for her final days? I don’t think about this one very long. I absolutely feel like we did the right thing staying at Riley through the end of her life. Although the moment that Sarah went to heaven was very sacred, I am thankful that I don’t associate that memory with our home. That was just our preference for our family and for Sarah. Our immediate family was allowed to stay in her room 24/7 so that we could all be together. Sarah appreciated that. She just wanted the 4 of us to be together and we were. We knew that her pain medications and oxygen needs were going to change drastically. So remaining there meant that we had quicker access to the help that she needed. Even the greatest hospice provider can sometimes struggle to support families in rural areas and honestly, pediatric hospice care is quite unique. Her healthcare team went above and beyond to honor and care for her during her final days. They actually still do. Several of them attended her Celebration of Life and I still receive messages from some of them. I have so much respect for the whole Hem-Onc unit. After all, they fight the cancer beast for kids every day. It’s such a hard job, but thank God that they feel a calling to do what they do. I’ve honestly heard several of them say that they absolutely look forward to the day that their unit is no longer needed. However, until that day, they are there for “their” kids and the people who love them.

Maybe, the one regret that I have is not getting Sarah’s Make-A-Wish going sooner. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to ask for and COVID really slowed down the whole process. Also, we would have risked a delay in her treatment had we attempted to travel or even spend a day out of the hospital. Ultimately, she decided what she really wanted was to sing and hang out for a bit with the Elevation Worship team from South Carolina. We were in the process of trying to set-it all up, but we simply ran out of time. However, a few days before she passed, she actually received a couple of very special video messages from 2 of her favorite Elevation Worship Team members. She was so excited to know that they were praying for her and were inspired by her faith. It meant so much to her! God totally arranged for it all too because the Make-A-Wish had nothing to do with how she got the messages. He’s good like that. Actually, as I think about this wish of hers for the ultimate worship concert, I’m reminded that she is living out this wish for all eternity now. That makes me smile.

So, would I have changed anything? My answer is probably-no. It all played out like it was supposed to. I know that Sarah’s quality of life changed a lot with her cancer diagnosis, but she was still able to be herself and find joy in her relationships, new and old. I’m sure the “What if’s” will not completely go away and that’s ok. I just can’t let them dominate my thoughts. So, I’ll choose to replace the “What ifs” with the “What nows?” and just keep moving forward trying to do the next right thing to honor her and her memory, until we’re reunited some day.

high angle photo of person s feet

At His Feet

Categories Christian Living, , , , , ,

It was good to share with you again last week. I appreciate each and every one of you that takes the time to read what I write. Like any piece of art, it’s so personal. However, art is a personal expression that is meant to be shared. So thank you for letting me share with you! Sometimes I feel led to share things that I feel like God wants me to communicate to others and this time, I’m absolutely sure of that. Is this message for you? Or after reading it, is there someone that you know that this is for? Please share!

I’ve still been meditating a lot on the the story of Lazarus in the gospel of John. Even if you didn’t grow up in Sunday school, you may have heard of it. There’s actually a few stories of Jesus resurrecting other people, besides himself, from the dead. This is maybe the most famous one. Lazarus was the brother of Martha and Mary, which leads to another favorite story in The Bible. It’s found in Luke 10: 38-42. Martha and Mary are kind of famous sisters, who are so relatable to many of us ladies. Martha, is known as the busy body, who complained about Mary not helping her prepare for the guest, when Jesus was visiting. Jesus actually called Martha out for being distracted and worrying about many things that didn’t really matter…ouch. Mary is described as sitting at the feet of Jesus. Actually, throughout the gospels Mary seemed to always be at the feet of Jesus. You see she’s the same lady that poured her tears and extremely expensive perfume on Jesus feet and used her hair to wipe them. From one of those accounts, we learn that before Jesus, Mary had a bad reputation. However, she had experienced the transforming power of Jesus’s love and forgiveness. Her whole life was changed. She now had a family and was part of the “tribe,” if you will that followed Jesus. You can’t help but notice that Mary adored Jesus and she just wanted to be close to Him as much as possible.

So, while studying the story of the death of Lazarus,(John 11) I noticed a detail that so many of us can relate to and I want to share. Now, Mary and Martha had sent for Jesus to come help, when it was apparent that Lazarus was sick. However, Jesus purposely waited. Jesus knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he also taught us so much during those 4 days that Lazarus was in the tomb. I shared some of those things in my blog last week. Things specific to suffering. The thing that I want to share this week is about Mary. I think at times, as a lady, wife, and mom, it’s easy to relate to Martha. This time, I found myself relating to Mary. When Jesus finally came to help, Martha went to him alone, without Mary. Verse 20 tells us that Mary stayed home. Isn’t that interesting? Martha gets it right this time! The same Mary that was usually at his feet, suddenly doesn’t want to go to him. Mary was deep in grief and hurting badly. She was not acting like herself. What I love is that Martha came to her, as her sister, and told her to go to Jesus.(vs. 28) She actually told Mary that Jesus was asking for her. So, Mary went and scripture says she even went quickly. This is when true healing could begin. Mary actually fell back into her favorite spot, at the feet of Jesus. It’s here that one of the most beautiful passages of scriptures takes place. She weeps and shares her disappointment with The Savior and He cries with her. Scripture says that Jesus was deeply moved and even troubled. Jesus understands our pain! He doesn’t like it either. It’s only when we go to him with our real and honest emotions though that our healing can begin.

You know what I love about this?…It took Mary’s sister encouraging her to go to Jesus for all of this to happen. Martha reminded Mary of what was most important and that Jesus was waiting for Mary to come to Him. Oh sister, I’m here to tell you the same thing! Go to Him…He’s asking for you! What grief, pain, disappoint, or hurt do you need to let out to Him so that your true healing can begin? Can we give one another permission to remind each other to do that, when we see another sister in pain?

There’s another Bible story in Mark 10, where the disciples, who were brothers, James and John, ask Jesus for a favor. They ask Him if they can sit at his left and right in heaven. Jesus doesn’t give them the answer that they expect and uses it as an opportunity to teach them about servant leadership. After studying about the two sisters, I think the most prized place in heaven, will actually be at His feet. We don’t have to wait until heaven though. Right now, Jesus has room for you. He’s waiting, will you go to Him quickly?

Anchors A-Way

Categories The First Year, , , , , , , 1 Comment on Anchors A-Way

So, if you’ve been following my blog for very long, then you’ll understand- for the past few days, 4:00am has been the new 3:00am.  Of course, Daylight Saving’s time has something to do with that, I’m sure.  For about a month, I’ve been sleeping much better.  I think it was probably because I had COVID in February and I was just so tired.  However, now I’ve shifted back into my old pattern of waking up again and when I look at the clock it’s almost exactly 4:00am.  When it usually happens, I have about 10 seconds of time before I remember.  Then, memories come flooding into my thoughts in this order, like scenes from a movie trailer almost:  Sarah’s death, scenes from the hospital, various scenes of our life since she’s been gone, and then my mind frantically searches for memories of her face before cancer.  I usually begin talking to Jesus and asking Him to help me see her now, even if it’s only an image that I’m imagining, based on what I know to be true about heaven.  After a few minutes of this battle in my mind, and realizing that I’m not falling back to sleep, I’ll continue to pray and talk to Jesus about the things and the people that are on my heart.  Sometimes, I’ll just go ahead and get up and turn on the coffee pot.  I’ve had some really beautiful and sacred moments with God in these times. 

This morning, as I was praying, the Holy Spirit gave me 2 words that I feel very strongly that I’m supposed to share.  I know that these words are for more than just me.  I didn’t hear them, I saw them as giant text that my mind actually had to read to digest.  It was this…CHOOSE HOPE.   That’s what I saw in all white colored and capital blocked font lettering.  Those “vision” kinds of things don’t usually happen to me.  Not that I haven’t desired it, but that’s just not how God usually speaks to me.  Without a doubt though, I know it was from Him and that I was supposed to share.

Is that message for you?  I can certainly relate to the message that was given.  I’ve written about the topic of Hope before.  The Bible tells us that Hope is the Anchor for our souls in Hebrews 6:19.  The thing about anchors though, is they have to be attached to something to work.  If an anchor’s rope has been severed it is useless and probably sitting at the bottom of the lake.  The vessel that it was once attached too, probably drifted or wandered into places that it didn’t want to go.  Is that happening to you?  Sometimes, our rope isn’t severed, but we can let our rope that’s attached to our anchor of hope get to long.  When we do that- we drift further away from the truth than we should.  Keeping the rope shorter, protects us and allows us to feel the tug, when we start to drift too far. 

Hebrews 6:19 is quoted and displayed often and rightly so, but there’s a second part to the verse that’s equally as beautiful when you understand the imagery. It actually flows right into verse 20 with a powerful truth.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.” Hebrews 6:19 NIV

This is one of those passages that I love to use the Bible App to read in all the different versions.  The verses translates the same, but different versions paint better images for us of what it means.  I encourage you to dig in and study it for yourself.  The way that I interpret this passage is that the anchor of Hope is placed in the very presence of God, where Jesus also is and because we are attached to that anchor, we are attached to Jesus who is acting on our behalf as our eternal High Priest or mediator.  Now in Biblical times, the High Priest was the only one worthy enough to enter the Holy of Holies and offer a blood sacrifice atonement for the forgiveness of sins.  So the significance here is about what Jesus did for us on the cross and how He enters into the presence of God on our behalf to atone for our sins and mediate for us with the Father.  It’s a beautiful picture of how He fulfilled Old Testament prophecy.  I love that it’s all attached to Hope.  That’s the thing that we must grab onto and not let go of to stay connected to the very presence of God. 

You see, God will never sever the rope.  We have to hold on to it though.  Let’s rewind a bit more and read what scripture says before verse 19:

“God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.  So God has given both his promise and his oath.  These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie.  Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.” Hebrews 6: 17-18 NLT

The Message translation actually say’s “grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go.  It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline.”  Do you see the preface to the promise?  YOU have to grab on and not let go!  No matter how much it hurts, no matter how far away you get from the anchor, just please don’t let go.  This message isn’t just for the grieving, it’s for the living.  Although, I feel very strongly that AS I grieve, the hope that I have has changed HOW I grieve.  Grace In Grieving has grown out of a desire to share that hope and connect with others who are grieving.  It’s my prayer that together we would choose hope and keep encouraging one another to not let go.

So now I’m curious…who was my word vision for?  Would you be bold enough to let me know and claim it for your own?

Thanks for reading, sharing, commenting.  Every click helps support the message of hope!