Tag: griefblogger

What Would I Change?

Categories The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , 1 Comment on What Would I Change?

As the 1 year mark of Sarah’s entry to heaven is here, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot about our journey. I think it’s normal to question our decisions that we made, as they pertain to someone that we’ve lost. Honestly, when you’re grieving, thoughts of your loved one are never far, but I’ve been specifically taking a more detailed walk down memory lane. Sometimes that’s good and sometimes that’s not so good. All the hard memories are still so fresh and raw in my mind. I know that we’re through the worst of it and the important thing is that Sarah is healed and whole now. She is ok. However, I still found myself contemplating what should we have done differently, if we could go back in time?

Obviously, the first thing that I often wonder is if I should have taken her to the doctor earlier for her pain. There was nothing visible or any physical limitations that she was experiencing. She would take some Tylenol because her shoulder ached and then wouldn’t complain again for another couple of weeks. It was just so intermittent and never seemed that intense, until it was. That’s when we decided to go to Riley. Maybe it’s just me justifying my decision as a mom, but if we would have gone sooner, would it have changed anything? Maybe, I guess we’ll never know. What it would have changed, if we had gone earlier, is that she would have been pulled from school and the life that she knew. Some of her most favorite high school memories happened in the weeks before her diagnosis. She was a freshman in high school and finally gaining some independence from mom and dad. She attended the RYLA conference, an FFA retreat, FFA convention, which honestly I know gave her courage for what was about to happen. So, it’s very hard for me to imagine how different things might have been had she never had those experiences. She made some really special friends during those events and matured as a person.

Should we have sought treatment somewhere else? Sometimes families that are fighting pediatric cancer end of traveling very far to receive treatment. Sometimes they end up in New York, Texas, or at St Jude’s in Tennessee, or even other hospital’s across the nation. There were times when we questioned treatment options, but we also knew that Sarah’s Doctors were consulting with other doctors about her case in some of those very places. If we would have started treatment at another hospital, I feel like the strain on our family would have been even greater, especially during COVID. I know that the relationships that Sarah made at Riley were precious to her. She felt loved and cared for by her doctor and nurses. The protocol would have been the same at any other hospital- as they all follow a plan that is devised for all of the pediatric oncology units that are networked together. Again, we could always wonder if another drug or chemo combo would have worked against her tumor, but that same chemo could have made her life a living hell. What we tried, was tolerable, until it just wasn’t effective. I completely understand why sometimes cancer patients refuse treatment and just decide to live out their days. I feel like Sarah was still able to be herself and enjoy some quality of life, despite being so sick.

Should we have brought her home for her final days? I don’t think about this one very long. I absolutely feel like we did the right thing staying at Riley through the end of her life. Although the moment that Sarah went to heaven was very sacred, I am thankful that I don’t associate that memory with our home. That was just our preference for our family and for Sarah. Our immediate family was allowed to stay in her room 24/7 so that we could all be together. Sarah appreciated that. She just wanted the 4 of us to be together and we were. We knew that her pain medications and oxygen needs were going to change drastically. So remaining there meant that we had quicker access to the help that she needed. Even the greatest hospice provider can sometimes struggle to support families in rural areas and honestly, pediatric hospice care is quite unique. Her healthcare team went above and beyond to honor and care for her during her final days. They actually still do. Several of them attended her Celebration of Life and I still receive messages from some of them. I have so much respect for the whole Hem-Onc unit. After all, they fight the cancer beast for kids every day. It’s such a hard job, but thank God that they feel a calling to do what they do. I’ve honestly heard several of them say that they absolutely look forward to the day that their unit is no longer needed. However, until that day, they are there for “their” kids and the people who love them.

Maybe, the one regret that I have is not getting Sarah’s Make-A-Wish going sooner. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to ask for and COVID really slowed down the whole process. Also, we would have risked a delay in her treatment had we attempted to travel or even spend a day out of the hospital. Ultimately, she decided what she really wanted was to sing and hang out for a bit with the Elevation Worship team from South Carolina. We were in the process of trying to set-it all up, but we simply ran out of time. However, a few days before she passed, she actually received a couple of very special video messages from 2 of her favorite Elevation Worship Team members. She was so excited to know that they were praying for her and were inspired by her faith. It meant so much to her! God totally arranged for it all too because the Make-A-Wish had nothing to do with how she got the messages. He’s good like that. Actually, as I think about this wish of hers for the ultimate worship concert, I’m reminded that she is living out this wish for all eternity now. That makes me smile.

So, would I have changed anything? My answer is probably-no. It all played out like it was supposed to. I know that Sarah’s quality of life changed a lot with her cancer diagnosis, but she was still able to be herself and find joy in her relationships, new and old. I’m sure the “What if’s” will not completely go away and that’s ok. I just can’t let them dominate my thoughts. So, I’ll choose to replace the “What ifs” with the “What nows?” and just keep moving forward trying to do the next right thing to honor her and her memory, until we’re reunited some day.

high angle photo of person s feet

At His Feet

Categories Christian Living, , , , , ,

It was good to share with you again last week. I appreciate each and every one of you that takes the time to read what I write. Like any piece of art, it’s so personal. However, art is a personal expression that is meant to be shared. So thank you for letting me share with you! Sometimes I feel led to share things that I feel like God wants me to communicate to others and this time, I’m absolutely sure of that. Is this message for you? Or after reading it, is there someone that you know that this is for? Please share!

I’ve still been meditating a lot on the the story of Lazarus in the gospel of John. Even if you didn’t grow up in Sunday school, you may have heard of it. There’s actually a few stories of Jesus resurrecting other people, besides himself, from the dead. This is maybe the most famous one. Lazarus was the brother of Martha and Mary, which leads to another favorite story in The Bible. It’s found in Luke 10: 38-42. Martha and Mary are kind of famous sisters, who are so relatable to many of us ladies. Martha, is known as the busy body, who complained about Mary not helping her prepare for the guest, when Jesus was visiting. Jesus actually called Martha out for being distracted and worrying about many things that didn’t really matter…ouch. Mary is described as sitting at the feet of Jesus. Actually, throughout the gospels Mary seemed to always be at the feet of Jesus. You see she’s the same lady that poured her tears and extremely expensive perfume on Jesus feet and used her hair to wipe them. From one of those accounts, we learn that before Jesus, Mary had a bad reputation. However, she had experienced the transforming power of Jesus’s love and forgiveness. Her whole life was changed. She now had a family and was part of the “tribe,” if you will that followed Jesus. You can’t help but notice that Mary adored Jesus and she just wanted to be close to Him as much as possible.

So, while studying the story of the death of Lazarus,(John 11) I noticed a detail that so many of us can relate to and I want to share. Now, Mary and Martha had sent for Jesus to come help, when it was apparent that Lazarus was sick. However, Jesus purposely waited. Jesus knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he also taught us so much during those 4 days that Lazarus was in the tomb. I shared some of those things in my blog last week. Things specific to suffering. The thing that I want to share this week is about Mary. I think at times, as a lady, wife, and mom, it’s easy to relate to Martha. This time, I found myself relating to Mary. When Jesus finally came to help, Martha went to him alone, without Mary. Verse 20 tells us that Mary stayed home. Isn’t that interesting? Martha gets it right this time! The same Mary that was usually at his feet, suddenly doesn’t want to go to him. Mary was deep in grief and hurting badly. She was not acting like herself. What I love is that Martha came to her, as her sister, and told her to go to Jesus.(vs. 28) She actually told Mary that Jesus was asking for her. So, Mary went and scripture says she even went quickly. This is when true healing could begin. Mary actually fell back into her favorite spot, at the feet of Jesus. It’s here that one of the most beautiful passages of scriptures takes place. She weeps and shares her disappointment with The Savior and He cries with her. Scripture says that Jesus was deeply moved and even troubled. Jesus understands our pain! He doesn’t like it either. It’s only when we go to him with our real and honest emotions though that our healing can begin.

You know what I love about this?…It took Mary’s sister encouraging her to go to Jesus for all of this to happen. Martha reminded Mary of what was most important and that Jesus was waiting for Mary to come to Him. Oh sister, I’m here to tell you the same thing! Go to Him…He’s asking for you! What grief, pain, disappoint, or hurt do you need to let out to Him so that your true healing can begin? Can we give one another permission to remind each other to do that, when we see another sister in pain?

There’s another Bible story in Mark 10, where the disciples, who were brothers, James and John, ask Jesus for a favor. They ask Him if they can sit at his left and right in heaven. Jesus doesn’t give them the answer that they expect and uses it as an opportunity to teach them about servant leadership. After studying about the two sisters, I think the most prized place in heaven, will actually be at His feet. We don’t have to wait until heaven though. Right now, Jesus has room for you. He’s waiting, will you go to Him quickly?

I’m a “Tree Hugger”

Categories Christian Living, The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

If you’ve studied The Bible for any length of time, then you know there are a few passages in scripture that that sort of package up the gospel in a “nutshell” kind of way. Passages like John 3:16, Acts 2:38, Romans 5: 6-9 are just a few. They’re beautiful short explanations of what Jesus accomplished for us when He came and gave himself up for us on the cross. In the Old Testament there’s a beautiful passage in Isaiah 61 that summarizes exactly what Jesus came to do for us too. It’s not short and sweet like the others, but I love how it contains so many promises to specific groups of people. It’s prophetic because it was written way before He was born in the manger, but also because not everything that it predicts has happened…yet. Some of it has, but there’s so much more to look forward to in these verses. Are you poor? Are you brokenhearted? Have you ever felt like a captive or a prisoner of something? Have you ever been treated unfairly or experienced an injustice? Are you grieving?…Then this passage is for you.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

    that have been devastated for generations.

Isaiah 61: 1-4

I specifically love the promises to the person who mourns and is grieving. There is so much hope for those of us who have suffered from sin’s biggest weapon-death. Since death was never part of God’s plan, grief wasn’t either. Yet, God promises to redeem our grief. He offers comfort while we wait, promises beauty for our ashes, the “oil of joy”-instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Don’t you love that imagery? When we’re grieving, it literally feels like we’re covered in a blanket of despair. Life feels heavy as we sit in the ashes of our loss. Jesus is the only one that can take what we have left of our life after a devastating loss and make something beautiful- if we let Him. He promises to replace our mourning with the “oil of joy”–the kind of oil that is so fragrant that it oozes out from us. So much so that when we’re around others, they notice and can’t help but get a little on them too. One day, He will forever lift the blanket of despair and cover us with His garment of praise. It’s the exact opposite of the “sackcloth” that is mentioned often in scriptures, that was worn by those who were mourning or outwardly expressing their grief. His garment of praise is a thing of beauty. It signifies celebration, freedom, and life and I can’t help but think that when we’re wearing it, we won’t be able to stop ourselves from dancing! While we live on this earth, our grief is always going to be on us, but someday…It will be thrown into the depths of hell, along with the enemy, death, cancer, suicide, depression, and all the other things that came with sin.

The following verses in this passage refer to us–the ones who are rescued and redeemed by Christ–as “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” As I process that, some words that come to mind with that imagery are: beauty, strength, endurance, fortitude, deep roots, weathering the seasons, a shelter for others. One of my most favorite vacation places has become St Simons Island, GA. One of the reasons why is because of the ginormous Oak trees that inhabit the island. I literally turn into a tree hugger, when I’m there! Many of them are hundreds of years old. They have so much character and history. They have weathered many a hurricane, but still have a beautiful majestic grace about them. How encouraging that we can grow into something so wonderful. Growth is not always easy and it takes time, but wow! When we let our roots grow deep we can survive and thrive. I’m so thankful that those trees on the island didn’t just give up and die and neither must we.

Oaks on St Simons Island

If you are familiar with this passage, than you may know that part of this scripture appears again in the New Testament in Luke 4. It’s extremely significant because Jesus, used this passage to proclaim that He was the Messiah. He stood before his own hometown and proclaimed that He was the one that that would fulfill all of the promises in this very treasured messianic prophecy that every person in that temple would have known, like we know our ABC’s. As you can imagine, it wasn’t easily accepted. Luke tells us that all the people were furious and that they even drove him out of his own hometown and tried to drive him off a cliff! Their failure to recognize who they were with, and the power of His words– meant that they missed out on the greatest gift that was every given to them.

Friends, it’s my prayer that you don’t miss out too. These promises are for you and Jesus is who He says He is! He’s the only one that can permanently fix our broken hearts. Will you recognize Him today and the ways that He wants to minister to you? Will you accept His “garment of praise,” instead of staying under the weight of the spirit of despair? Find comfort from the one who hates death and grief more than we do.

I’ve only barely scratched the surface of what this passage means. I encourage you to research it for yourself. There is so much hope in between the lines of Isaiah 61. I know that’s why Jesus used it to kick off his ministry. Is there something on the pages of this passage that speaks to your heart? Share with us!