Tag: #christiangriefsupport

The Pandemic of Grief

Categories Christian Living, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

Friends, we are in a season of grief. Every week, there is loss. Because of COVID almost all of us have experienced the death of a friend, family member, or at the least you are hearing stories of acquaintances who have passed away. Many of these are seemingly healthy people, prior to contracting COVID, and sadly they are people who seemed to still be in the prime of their life, possibly with young children. I don’t feel led to address any stance on COVID precautions. We all know the tools that are available to help us fight this horrible pandemic. I’m also not trying to spread fear. At this point, we also know the risk of COVID. I simply feel led to address the topic of grief and loss and its hard to deny the increasing number of folks who are joining the “grief club.” In a way, it’s becoming a pandemic itself. It’s shocking and heartbreaking to see so many families hurting and I can’t help but contemplate the effects of grief on our current society. Realizing that everyone’s grief journey is different, I do think there are a few things that I have learned on my own journey that I’d like to share.

Grieving people will never be who they were before their loved one died. Losing a loved one causes you to lose a piece of yourself and I’m convinced that it’s a piece of your heart. I remember the person that I was before Sarah died, untainted by death. I laughed more, I focused better, I slept better, I ate better, and my priorities were different. I may not seem different to many of you, but to my family, they can tell. There’s an innocence’s that is lost when death steals away someone that you love. It’s as if the unthinkable actually occurred and there is a distrust of statistics and reasoning. I give no weight to percentages now when I hear them used to minimize a risk. I just can’t help it.

Grieving people need space to just be. Don’t expect them to attend family functions or keep appointments regularly. Sometime, even in route to something planned, a wave of grief comes out of no where and just paralyzes me. Please give grace to those who are adjusting to a new normal. Grieving people often just feel sick themselves. The aches and pains of grief can make you feel like you’ve ran a marathon or even have the flu. The lack of sleep can also cause a grieving person to feel less than themselves. If you’re grieving, some days it’s OK if the most that you accomplish is getting out of bed and doing some self-care, like eating, showering, or taking an extra nap. Grieving people need time to work through the trauma of their loss-some more than others. If you are a friend, co-worker, or supervisor of someone who is grieving. Please give them some margin. Sooner or later, you’ll be in their position of grief too.

Grieving people need to know that you are available to talk about and remember their loved one. Please don’t be afraid to say their loved ones name and share memories or special things about their person. I realize that this may cause you to be concerned that you may upset them or make them sad, but honestly they already are both those things. They may actually need someone one else to validate their loss and feelings. It’s more hurtful when others do not acknowledge the loss that you feel. Tears are not always an indication that a grieving person is having a bad day. Sometimes tears are exactly the thing needed to have a better day. Trust me when I say that is a gift to them to even just speak their name. There are exceptions to this rule. So, don’t be too pushy and just follow their lead after you mention their loved one.

Grieving people need forgiveness. That’s right. I said forgiveness. Grieving people will not always make the right choices. They will do things that are hurtful, selfish, impulsive, irresponsible… I could go on and on. You see, the hurt is heavy and grieving people are just trying to stop the hurt, hide the hurt, or forget about the hurt for a while. Grief shouldn’t entitle us to hurt others on purpose and there are consequences to bad choices, obviously. It’s ok to set boundaries with a grieving person, if they are not respecting you. However, just be aware that extra grace is needed when maintaining a healthy relationship with a grieving person. Watch for indications that professional grief counseling may be necessary and encourage them to seek further help.

Grieving people need Jesus. I follow different types of grief support groups on social media. There are some grief support groups that do not tolerate any sort of faith-based approach to grieving. It honestly is so dismal. I’m even more confounded by it because most will admit that their loved one is still a spiritual being. They believe that their soul/spirit has moved on somewhere and they may even believe in heaven, but they will not acknowledge Jesus. Friends, Jesus is the only one to defeat death. He is the key to heaven. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Unless we humble ourselves and accept His payment for our sins, we will not receive eternal life in heaven. Submitting our lives to Him, not only gives us the hope of heaven, but it provides joy, peace, and purpose for us now, here on earth.

Even on my darkest day, I can know, because of Jesus, that I will be reunited with Sarah someday. Even on my darkest day, I can know that the Holy Spirit will comfort me and give me strength to endure the sadness. Even on my darkest day, I can still feel joy. I may be sad for myself because I miss Sarah, but I can know that she is experiencing pure joy and happiness. Even on my darkest day, I know that death has been defeated and one day, it will not exist. God is patient, but there will be a day that every knee will bow before Him and every tongue will confess that He is Lord.(Philippians 2:10-11) If you’re still not sure about Jesus, I encourage you to research Him for yourself.

Things I’m Learning…

Categories Christian Living, The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , , , 1 Comment on Things I’m Learning…

I’ve been feeling quiet in my spirit. I know it’s because I’m processing so many things all at once: it’s almost been one year since Sarah’s death, trying to parent and support a 14 year old who is also dealing with grief and so much change. Changes in our church family, good friends moving away, and trying to discern what God is calling me to do next as a job, etc… In many ways I feel like I’m waiting. While I wait, I am enjoying the freedom to grieve as I need to. I’m not going to lie, the gut punches have been hitting me hard over the past couple weeks as I’ve been missing Sarah and reminded of where we were one year ago and our journey to the end of her life here with us. It’s been especially hard walking into her room, seeing her things, and thinking about the beginning of school and how she should be enjoying being a junior in high school. As grief continues to demand it’s own attention in my life, here are a few things that I’m learning a long the way:

  1. Not everyone will be comfortable around you like they used to be. Sometimes it can make conversations feel awkward as people are unsure how to approach you. Depending upon my particular mood for the day, some days it’s easier to approach others first and just act normal, but somedays I know that I shouldn’t. It’s hard knowing that when people see me, it makes them feel sad. It’s not anything that can be helped.
  2. You can laugh with anyone, but it’s only your best friends that you can cry with. We know that someone has reached a special place in our hearts when we’re comfortable letting out our deepest emotions. I’m thankful for friends that I can be real with, when I need to be.
  3. I look for “signs” from Sarah everywhere. There has been some really special ways that she has been with us lately…like the amazing “angel” figure in my vacation picture. I hope I never stop receiving them. I still haven’t had a real vivid dream with her. I still ask too, but God knows best about how to minister to my heart. So, I’m going to trust Him with it.
  4. When you’re grieving, it’s very easy to let feelings of jealousy and bitterness rule in your heart. I have to be honest, it’s hard not to compare what could have been, when I see FB posts about other kids hitting milestones. Sometimes, very negative thoughts cross my mind as I read comments from mom’s who are missing their children who have just moved away or when someone complains about something very trivial. That is totally normal for me, but it’s also not ok for me to NOT submit those thoughts to Jesus and let His Holy Spirit set me straight. It would be hurtful for me to not acknowledge those feelings, but it’s more hurtful to let those kinds of thoughts rule in my heart. I need to have grace for others. The reality of it is, that I wouldn’t wish this kind of grief on my worst enemy. So, it’s ok if others live in a space where they don’t have to consider the things that I do. I’m learning what posts to just scroll over and sometimes, I just need to stay off of Facebook for a bit.
  5. Sleep is such a precious thing. Lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night again. It’s so frustrating! I know that when it happens, the more I try to force myself to go back to sleep, the harder it becomes. So, I just try and find something good to meditate on; or I just bare my soul to Jesus, if I’m struggling with anxious thoughts or trauma.
  6. Worship still is the thing that connects me to Sarah more than anything and most importantly, Jesus. I know that when I worship, it’s like a little taste of heaven. As much as I miss Sarah, Jesus is the only thing that can fill the emptiness in my heart. He understands my grief, but he truly is the only one worthy of our worship. Worship while were suffering is life giving. It is the way to truly activate His strength in our weakness…which leads to my next point.
  7. I’m learning a lot about the biblical theology of suffering. Yeah, I know…that doesn’t sound very exciting. However, we know for those who do not believe, many times it’s because they can not accept that a loving God would allow for pain and suffering of those He loves. I’ve discovered an author, Rebecca McLaughlin, Confronting Christianity & 10 Questions Every Teen Should Ask (and Answer) About Christianity, who has some very helpful insights about this. First of all, if you’re looking for logical answers about theology, I highly recommend her books. The one directed towards teens is superb and actually quite helpful, even as an adult. She takes on almost every culturally relevant issue and has a fantastic way of explaining correct theology, with grace and love. Anyway, back to suffering. She uses the story of Lazarus to make some very keen points in regards to suffering in both books actually. My quotes will come from Confronting Christianity:
  • “Sometimes we call for Jesus and he does not come.”
  • However, “If Jesus had only come when he was called, no one would be crying.” and we wouldn’t have the verse: “Jesus wept.” John 11:35
  • “Jesus does not just feel sorry for us in our weakness and pain. He takes on that agony himself. ”

“He was was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain…Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering…”

Isaiah 53:3-4
  • In the story of Lazarus, “Jesus knows the resurrection is coming. And yet he cries out in his distress.” He bears the heartbreak of our suffering. “Pain is a place of special intimacy with him.” When we go to Him in our sorrow, we find understanding, comfort, and hope.
  • When Jesus does arrive, he doesn’t automatically fix Martha’s problem. Jesus looks into this grieving woman’s eyes and says: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11: 25-26) He wasn’t just talking about Lazarus to Martha. He was talking about Martha herself. It’s as if he was saying to her, as she was longing to have her brother back, “your greatest need is not to have your brother back again. It’s to have me…He himself is life: Life in the face of suffering, life in the face of death.”
  • Our suffering is never an indication that God does not love us or that we’re being punished. Time and time again, in the pages of The Bible, we see those who are “chosen and beloved suffering. When Jesus comes, we see that script played out on a cosmic stage: God’s beloved Son, the One who the Father is well pleased, comes expressly to suffer and to die out of love for his people. Indeed, our beliefs about God and suffering expose the fault lines between our natural assumptions and the biblical narrative.”

I have no affiliation with Amazon for sharing, but if you’re interested in reading Rebecca McLaughlin’s books, they are available on Amazon here. I highly recommend them!

I’m a “Tree Hugger”

Categories Christian Living, The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

If you’ve studied The Bible for any length of time, then you know there are a few passages in scripture that that sort of package up the gospel in a “nutshell” kind of way. Passages like John 3:16, Acts 2:38, Romans 5: 6-9 are just a few. They’re beautiful short explanations of what Jesus accomplished for us when He came and gave himself up for us on the cross. In the Old Testament there’s a beautiful passage in Isaiah 61 that summarizes exactly what Jesus came to do for us too. It’s not short and sweet like the others, but I love how it contains so many promises to specific groups of people. It’s prophetic because it was written way before He was born in the manger, but also because not everything that it predicts has happened…yet. Some of it has, but there’s so much more to look forward to in these verses. Are you poor? Are you brokenhearted? Have you ever felt like a captive or a prisoner of something? Have you ever been treated unfairly or experienced an injustice? Are you grieving?…Then this passage is for you.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

    that have been devastated for generations.

Isaiah 61: 1-4

I specifically love the promises to the person who mourns and is grieving. There is so much hope for those of us who have suffered from sin’s biggest weapon-death. Since death was never part of God’s plan, grief wasn’t either. Yet, God promises to redeem our grief. He offers comfort while we wait, promises beauty for our ashes, the “oil of joy”-instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Don’t you love that imagery? When we’re grieving, it literally feels like we’re covered in a blanket of despair. Life feels heavy as we sit in the ashes of our loss. Jesus is the only one that can take what we have left of our life after a devastating loss and make something beautiful- if we let Him. He promises to replace our mourning with the “oil of joy”–the kind of oil that is so fragrant that it oozes out from us. So much so that when we’re around others, they notice and can’t help but get a little on them too. One day, He will forever lift the blanket of despair and cover us with His garment of praise. It’s the exact opposite of the “sackcloth” that is mentioned often in scriptures, that was worn by those who were mourning or outwardly expressing their grief. His garment of praise is a thing of beauty. It signifies celebration, freedom, and life and I can’t help but think that when we’re wearing it, we won’t be able to stop ourselves from dancing! While we live on this earth, our grief is always going to be on us, but someday…It will be thrown into the depths of hell, along with the enemy, death, cancer, suicide, depression, and all the other things that came with sin.

The following verses in this passage refer to us–the ones who are rescued and redeemed by Christ–as “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” As I process that, some words that come to mind with that imagery are: beauty, strength, endurance, fortitude, deep roots, weathering the seasons, a shelter for others. One of my most favorite vacation places has become St Simons Island, GA. One of the reasons why is because of the ginormous Oak trees that inhabit the island. I literally turn into a tree hugger, when I’m there! Many of them are hundreds of years old. They have so much character and history. They have weathered many a hurricane, but still have a beautiful majestic grace about them. How encouraging that we can grow into something so wonderful. Growth is not always easy and it takes time, but wow! When we let our roots grow deep we can survive and thrive. I’m so thankful that those trees on the island didn’t just give up and die and neither must we.

Oaks on St Simons Island

If you are familiar with this passage, than you may know that part of this scripture appears again in the New Testament in Luke 4. It’s extremely significant because Jesus, used this passage to proclaim that He was the Messiah. He stood before his own hometown and proclaimed that He was the one that that would fulfill all of the promises in this very treasured messianic prophecy that every person in that temple would have known, like we know our ABC’s. As you can imagine, it wasn’t easily accepted. Luke tells us that all the people were furious and that they even drove him out of his own hometown and tried to drive him off a cliff! Their failure to recognize who they were with, and the power of His words– meant that they missed out on the greatest gift that was every given to them.

Friends, it’s my prayer that you don’t miss out too. These promises are for you and Jesus is who He says He is! He’s the only one that can permanently fix our broken hearts. Will you recognize Him today and the ways that He wants to minister to you? Will you accept His “garment of praise,” instead of staying under the weight of the spirit of despair? Find comfort from the one who hates death and grief more than we do.

I’ve only barely scratched the surface of what this passage means. I encourage you to research it for yourself. There is so much hope in between the lines of Isaiah 61. I know that’s why Jesus used it to kick off his ministry. Is there something on the pages of this passage that speaks to your heart? Share with us!

“Artsy”

Categories The First Year, , , , , , , , ,
PENTAX Image

I’ve never considered myself to be an “artsy” type. However, the older I’ve gotten, the more I value creating and practicing the arts. When I was growing up, my love for sports always came before piano practice. My artwork was always considered average by the art teacher, and I never won a coloring contest, or had my picture chosen to represent anything extraordinary. That’s ok. Although I didn’t always prioritize it, I think early on, I realized that doing something artsy, was more of a blessing for myself than for others. It feeds my heart and soul on a whole different level. As I was growing up, I watched my Mom learn to paint and saw how it relaxed her. The art that I was most impacted by was music. I was surrounded by it. I participated in musicals and the choir at church. Eventually, I was in the school band. Singing was just something that our family did.

My mom sang with a gospel group called “The Sunshine Singers.” It was kind of gospel group where everyone wore matching dresses and sometimes they even made a smaller version for me. They would travel around and sing at local churches and events and that’s where I learned to hear and sing harmony. I would sit on my “Pop’s” knee and he would sing tenor parts along with them as he played the bass guitar. I would do my best to sing along never worrying that I might not be good enough, or that I would be judged in my abilities. That must have been difficult for him to juggle- me sitting on his knee and singing, while he played. I never remember him using any chord charts or looking at any paper music. He would just play what he heard, as his wife, Sarah, otherwise known as “Mom” in the dynamic grandparent duo of “Mom and Pop,” pounded out the piano parts with energy and a smile on her face that exuberated the joy that was in her heart. Sometimes, I would hop on the piano, when it wasn’t being used and tried to imitate her style, but I could never get it quite right. All I ever heard or saw was encouragement and smiles. They just enjoyed my joyful “noise.” They weren’t my blood grandparents, but it didn’t matter, they were family to us. We were with them around every holiday, went to church together, had many a sleepover at their house and they spoiled me, as if I were their own. Needless to say, “Mom” Sarah, was one of our Sarah’s namesakes. We’ve have some pretty special other Sarah’s in our lives too, which helped sway us towards choosing our Sarah’s name. Now they’re together in heaven. I smile when I think about the hugs that were given.

The need to sing and make music was a part of my other family too. We had many a family sing along at get togethers or while camping. I’ve watched as my cousins have grown up making music and most of them serve in some capacity in their local church within the music ministry. Now their children are starting to do the same. I’m so thankful that we’re instilling in them the gift of music. I remember the first time Chad came to a holiday gathering and my cousins broke out guitars and we all started to circle up to sing some songs together. The look of fear in his eyes, I’ll never forget! I think he even questioned out loud, “What’s getting ready to happen?” We reassured him that we weren’t going to ask him to sing a solo or anything! Now, he rather appreciates those times, I think.

I think we all know that music, visual art, even the written word, can tap into feelings, and emotions that we sometimes find difficult to process. Research has shown that having a creative outlet can destress and clear your mind. Education Weekly published an article in 2013 which cited several research studies and the benefits of the arts for cognitive development. In essence what they are saying is that “art makes you smart!” Even used as therapy after a stroke or a physical debilitation, it is helpful for the brain to function better and benefits the patients recovery.

So, supporting the arts, and practicing creativity in some way has been so important to me as I am healing and learning to function with grief. It’s so therapeutic for me when I sit down and make music. Sometimes, I’ll pick up my guitar, but lately I’ve been drawn to the piano. I’m sure it’s because piano was Sarah’s instrument. When she would play, Chad and I would just soak it in. She was just a natural. I’ll confess that I have spent hours at the piano lately. My audience of “One” doesn’t care if I make a mistake or don’t quite get it right. It’s become my “sanctuary” of sorts. He just delights in the offering-even when it comes from a place of hurting. It’s a sacrifice of praise. He is a creative God. He loves to watch us create and make beauty from the dust. It’s what He did when He made mankind. Maybe the arts connect with us because of that. I really think that someday in heaven, that’s what we’ll be doing…creating things through the arts and it will glorify God, just as it does here now, but even more so when the curse of sin has finally been removed.

I believe, there is something creative that each of us was made to do. So, actually, we’re all “artsy” in some way. There are vast ways that we can express ourselves artistically now days. Sometimes it takes us longer to discover whatever that “thing” is-compared to others. Sometimes, it’s recognizable right away when a person is made to do something. Most of the time it takes practice and repetition. What do you create in order to connect with your inner artistic self? I’d love for you to share? How has it helped you through a difficult time?

Along this same line…The GLOW Fund(Sarah’s memorial) accepts donations of used, but playable instruments to be given to a young person who wants to learn to play. Your unused instrument could become a blessing to a young person who is discovering how The Creator has gifted them. If you have an instrument to donate, message me!

“Sappy” Mother’s Day

Categories The First Year, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Maybe it was the cool and dreary weather compounded by grief, but Mother’s Day was very difficult.  I saw many sentiments from other grieving mom’s that felt the same.  Overall, our weekend started out good.  We went camping, which is a Mother’s Day tradition with some of our family members.  We also attended a lovely FFA banquet, where Libby received some awards and recognition for her hard work and involvement in FFA this year.  Sarah was honored there and Chad and I were even included as Honorary Members of our local FFA Chapter.  It was so sweet of them to do that!  Had I known that was going to happen, I may have actually showered away the campfire smell before we attended! Lol!

We had lots of family time and enjoyed using our camper, singing around the campfire a bit, ate all of my favorite desserts, but something was just missing…and that something was Sarah.  No matter how hard I “tried” to make it a good day, it just wasn’t.  My heart was aching for her.  Chad and Libby, bless their hearts, they were quite melancholy with me.  Maybe it was because I set the tone, or maybe they were just missing being “us” too.  Getting used to the new normal is hard.  We still have moments of joy, but it’s just so different and our hearts always pause to reflect on how much more joyous it would be to hear Sarah laughing right along with us. 

Not enjoying Mother’s Day isn’t a new thing for me.  I actually have had a hard time with it for years.  I learned during infertility, that it was a good weekend to just get out of town and not be involved at church.  There’s been a few years, when I made an exception, but the heart ache for my babies in heaven is always felt more deeply on this day.  A Mother’s heart is never more full than when she’s surrounded by all of her children.  I’ve never had that.

As your children are growing and learning to communicate, there’s a deep intimacy that you feel when you look at them and lock eyes and say things that you mean.  Sometimes, it’s a stern warning for correction-that may send a chill down their spine.  Sometimes, it’s a meaningful statement of love and value that you hope instills in them a security about who they are and how much they mean to you.  Either way, that connection that you make during that moment is priceless.  It’s like you’re looking into their soul.  If your child is still with you here on Earth, don’t ever take that for granted.  I long to look into Sarah’s eyes and tell her so many things:  how much I love her, how proud I am of her, how much I miss spending time with her, laughing with her, and singing with her.  Honestly, I’m still haunted by the way that her eyes looked past me and on into heaven when she died.  I know that’s the trauma.  It’s happening less, but on Mother’s Day, my brain brought it to the surface again.  Grief is like that.  It’s like a loop that you’re stuck in. 

The tears came and that’s ok.  I needed to let them out.  I’m healing, but I’m not healed.  Mother’s Day was a reminder that I won’t get what my heart truly longs for until we’re ALL together in heaven.  So for now, I’ll wait with tears, knowing that Jesus is collecting every single one of them.

 You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

Psalm 56:8

He doesn’t just expect me to dry them up and move on.  He stops with me and allows me to grieve.  While He’s holding me, He’s also got His eyes on our girl.  Knowing she’s looking into His eyes right back, brings me peace.  He knows when I’ll be able to look into her eyes again some day and when I’ll also lay eyes on my 3 other babies that I’ve never gotten to hold. Maybe they know the answer to that question too and like me, they’re counting down the days.  Until then, Mother’s Day is over and I’m one day closer to Heaven.