Tag: childloss

On the Edge of Two Worlds

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I was casually listening to a sermon online, while doing some other stuff, when I heard the Pastor connect what he’d been speaking about to his own grief after losing his spouse. This always gets my attention. When someone has experienced a close loss, I always tune in to see what I can glean from their experience with grief. Anyway, his wife had also passed away from cancer, so that always connects my heart a little more, but he said something that resonated with me so strongly. He said that since his wife has passed he now feels like he’s living on the edge of two worlds. When I heard him say it, I looked at Chad and said “That’s it! That’s what we’re feeling!”

We can’t un-see what we’ve seen. We can’t ever go back to only thinking about the worldly, earthly, and temporary-not when such a big piece of our hearts has stepped across the threshold and now resides in the eternal. Honestly, I don’t want to.

Sure, grief sometimes clouds my earthly day to day thoughts and makes things “muddy,” but thank God that “grieving with hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) makes the important things eternally clear. You’ve probably heard me say, or I have expressed even here, I am weird now. Well, I’ve always been a little weird, but even more so now. I spiritualize everything. Is that good? Is that bad? I don’t really know, but I know that there’s new lenses that have been placed on my eyes and I don’t think I could ever take them off. I choose to see it as a gift that has come with a great loss. Everywhere I look I see that Jesus is the answer to every problem.

There are so many things in nature, that point to the eternal. God is such a creative God, but He also seems to love patterns and He loves to reveal more of himself to us in the ordinary, that’s not so ordinary, when we dissect the complexity of what’s actually in front of our face. I recently read the social media post (please note, I haven’t done a lot of research) about YWHW, which is the Hebrew name of God, being encoded in our DNA. This may be old news?…I’m a little slow…Whether this is verified or not, the more we learn about science, the more we are unlocking the mystery of our Creator. That’s one reason why cancer is so evil. It’s an attack on a person’s DNA, which was created and written by God Himself. The enemy may have access here in this broken realm, but one day He no longer will.

Thank God that Jesus came and defeated death. Thank God that He’s promised and foretold to us through scripture that a New Earth is coming and until then-we get to be with Him in Heaven. Thank God that I see in my spirit-and in the eyes of my heart, our Sarah, surrounded by so many other’s that we love that have also gone before us. They’re in the most perfect place possible. I fully believe that the business of heaven is about Jesus and we know that He is in the business of restoring and redeeming all that is broken and lost.

So, I’ll reside here…in-between these worlds for as long as He allows. I’m determined to be a part of the business of heaven as much as possible though. It’s the only thing that offers any sort of fulfillment for my grieving heart. You’ll just have to put up with my weirdness. Lol!

frozen wave against sunlight

Preparing to Let Go

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To my friends who have recently lost or are preparing to lose their children…my heart is hurting for you.  This is not a time for platitudes and my words may mean nothing during this traumatic time and that’s ok.  I certainly am not the expert in how to prepare for such a loss.  I’ve walked a similar path, but no two stories are ever the same.  Your unique relationship with your child is precious and I know the thought of not having the tangible physical presence of your child takes your breath away.  Honestly, it still takes mine away at times, when I’m missing my girl.  I’ll offer some simple statements and pray that somehow you will be strengthened.

This is NOT the end of your child.  They are “arrows:”

Psalms 127:4:  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.

I wrote a blog about it here.  Our lives are not time-lines with an end.  You’re sending your child into eternity ahead of you, but they will live on with a future and a purpose. You will have more days ahead of you with your child in eternity, than you’ll ever have apart, if heaven is where you’re headed too.

I know you know this, but it’s worth saying….don’t wait to say what you want to say.  Soak up every minute you have left with them.  Hold them, smell them, look into their eyes and their souls and make sure they know how wonderful they are and how brave they have been.  No regrets.  However, it’s ok to leave the room for a minute.  In her last days, sometimes Sarah needed a break from me.  I had to respect that and give her time alone with other loved ones.  It was hard.  More often though, she wanted me right by her side and that time was precious.  We did everything possible to honor her and her wishes. 

Don’t take your eyes off Jesus.  I recently watched the end of season 3 of The Chosen series…spoiler alert here…They include the bible story of Peter walking on the water and they took some artistic liberties to connect it to the topic of Peter and Eden’s grief of losing a child.  Wow…did that hit me hard!  Losing a child feels so much like being in the boat in the middle of the storm.  Somehow, Chad and I have chosen to get out of the boat and just walk towards Jesus.  I imagine Sarah standing next to Him and His hands reaching out to us.  We want to go to him too, but our journey towards him is still full of things left here to do.  When I look at the waves and wind, I sink, but when I lock eyes with Him and remember who He is….somehow I rise above the storm.  He’s got you too, friend.  He won’t let go.  You will hear many people express that they could never imagine losing a child.  We can’t either.  We are living and surviving the impossible.  You can too. 

Your child will receive healing soon.  It’s disappointing that it’s probably not going to be an earthly healing.  It’s perfectly ok to get mad about that, but always be honest with God about your feelings.  He knows when you’re pretending and He can take it.  It doesn’t change His feelings towards you.  He knows what’s it’s like to give up a son.  He knows that you can’t see the end of the story yet.  Believe in your heart that you can trust Him with your child.  As hard as it is too imagine, He loves your child even more than you do.  Let that sink in.  Along with a heavenly healing comes so much more than we could ever give them here.  I have found comfort in realizing that there’s a lot of things that happen here that she will never have to suffer through because she is in heaven. She is protected forevermore and she is only experiencing complete and perfect love, joy and peace.  I believe it will takes us about 2 seconds in heaven to forget all the pain that this world caused.

I wish I could tell you that eventually the pain will lesson.  Over time you will learn to carry the pain differently.  You will get stronger, but it won’t lessen it.  You somehow grow around it.  One of the best analogies that I’ve related to is that it is sort of like having an amputation.  You learn to live a part from them, but not without them.   It’s not easy at all.   You’ll need help sometimes, but that’s ok.  Other parents who’ve lost children connect deeply with each other because not many people understand.   Reach out when you’re ready and you’ll be embraced. 

The Pandemic of Grief

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Friends, we are in a season of grief. Every week, there is loss. Because of COVID almost all of us have experienced the death of a friend, family member, or at the least you are hearing stories of acquaintances who have passed away. Many of these are seemingly healthy people, prior to contracting COVID, and sadly they are people who seemed to still be in the prime of their life, possibly with young children. I don’t feel led to address any stance on COVID precautions. We all know the tools that are available to help us fight this horrible pandemic. I’m also not trying to spread fear. At this point, we also know the risk of COVID. I simply feel led to address the topic of grief and loss and its hard to deny the increasing number of folks who are joining the “grief club.” In a way, it’s becoming a pandemic itself. It’s shocking and heartbreaking to see so many families hurting and I can’t help but contemplate the effects of grief on our current society. Realizing that everyone’s grief journey is different, I do think there are a few things that I have learned on my own journey that I’d like to share.

Grieving people will never be who they were before their loved one died. Losing a loved one causes you to lose a piece of yourself and I’m convinced that it’s a piece of your heart. I remember the person that I was before Sarah died, untainted by death. I laughed more, I focused better, I slept better, I ate better, and my priorities were different. I may not seem different to many of you, but to my family, they can tell. There’s an innocence’s that is lost when death steals away someone that you love. It’s as if the unthinkable actually occurred and there is a distrust of statistics and reasoning. I give no weight to percentages now when I hear them used to minimize a risk. I just can’t help it.

Grieving people need space to just be. Don’t expect them to attend family functions or keep appointments regularly. Sometime, even in route to something planned, a wave of grief comes out of no where and just paralyzes me. Please give grace to those who are adjusting to a new normal. Grieving people often just feel sick themselves. The aches and pains of grief can make you feel like you’ve ran a marathon or even have the flu. The lack of sleep can also cause a grieving person to feel less than themselves. If you’re grieving, some days it’s OK if the most that you accomplish is getting out of bed and doing some self-care, like eating, showering, or taking an extra nap. Grieving people need time to work through the trauma of their loss-some more than others. If you are a friend, co-worker, or supervisor of someone who is grieving. Please give them some margin. Sooner or later, you’ll be in their position of grief too.

Grieving people need to know that you are available to talk about and remember their loved one. Please don’t be afraid to say their loved ones name and share memories or special things about their person. I realize that this may cause you to be concerned that you may upset them or make them sad, but honestly they already are both those things. They may actually need someone one else to validate their loss and feelings. It’s more hurtful when others do not acknowledge the loss that you feel. Tears are not always an indication that a grieving person is having a bad day. Sometimes tears are exactly the thing needed to have a better day. Trust me when I say that is a gift to them to even just speak their name. There are exceptions to this rule. So, don’t be too pushy and just follow their lead after you mention their loved one.

Grieving people need forgiveness. That’s right. I said forgiveness. Grieving people will not always make the right choices. They will do things that are hurtful, selfish, impulsive, irresponsible… I could go on and on. You see, the hurt is heavy and grieving people are just trying to stop the hurt, hide the hurt, or forget about the hurt for a while. Grief shouldn’t entitle us to hurt others on purpose and there are consequences to bad choices, obviously. It’s ok to set boundaries with a grieving person, if they are not respecting you. However, just be aware that extra grace is needed when maintaining a healthy relationship with a grieving person. Watch for indications that professional grief counseling may be necessary and encourage them to seek further help.

Grieving people need Jesus. I follow different types of grief support groups on social media. There are some grief support groups that do not tolerate any sort of faith-based approach to grieving. It honestly is so dismal. I’m even more confounded by it because most will admit that their loved one is still a spiritual being. They believe that their soul/spirit has moved on somewhere and they may even believe in heaven, but they will not acknowledge Jesus. Friends, Jesus is the only one to defeat death. He is the key to heaven. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Unless we humble ourselves and accept His payment for our sins, we will not receive eternal life in heaven. Submitting our lives to Him, not only gives us the hope of heaven, but it provides joy, peace, and purpose for us now, here on earth.

Even on my darkest day, I can know, because of Jesus, that I will be reunited with Sarah someday. Even on my darkest day, I can know that the Holy Spirit will comfort me and give me strength to endure the sadness. Even on my darkest day, I can still feel joy. I may be sad for myself because I miss Sarah, but I can know that she is experiencing pure joy and happiness. Even on my darkest day, I know that death has been defeated and one day, it will not exist. God is patient, but there will be a day that every knee will bow before Him and every tongue will confess that He is Lord.(Philippians 2:10-11) If you’re still not sure about Jesus, I encourage you to research Him for yourself.

What Would I Change?

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As the 1 year mark of Sarah’s entry to heaven is here, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot about our journey. I think it’s normal to question our decisions that we made, as they pertain to someone that we’ve lost. Honestly, when you’re grieving, thoughts of your loved one are never far, but I’ve been specifically taking a more detailed walk down memory lane. Sometimes that’s good and sometimes that’s not so good. All the hard memories are still so fresh and raw in my mind. I know that we’re through the worst of it and the important thing is that Sarah is healed and whole now. She is ok. However, I still found myself contemplating what should we have done differently, if we could go back in time?

Obviously, the first thing that I often wonder is if I should have taken her to the doctor earlier for her pain. There was nothing visible or any physical limitations that she was experiencing. She would take some Tylenol because her shoulder ached and then wouldn’t complain again for another couple of weeks. It was just so intermittent and never seemed that intense, until it was. That’s when we decided to go to Riley. Maybe it’s just me justifying my decision as a mom, but if we would have gone sooner, would it have changed anything? Maybe, I guess we’ll never know. What it would have changed, if we had gone earlier, is that she would have been pulled from school and the life that she knew. Some of her most favorite high school memories happened in the weeks before her diagnosis. She was a freshman in high school and finally gaining some independence from mom and dad. She attended the RYLA conference, an FFA retreat, FFA convention, which honestly I know gave her courage for what was about to happen. So, it’s very hard for me to imagine how different things might have been had she never had those experiences. She made some really special friends during those events and matured as a person.

Should we have sought treatment somewhere else? Sometimes families that are fighting pediatric cancer end of traveling very far to receive treatment. Sometimes they end up in New York, Texas, or at St Jude’s in Tennessee, or even other hospital’s across the nation. There were times when we questioned treatment options, but we also knew that Sarah’s Doctors were consulting with other doctors about her case in some of those very places. If we would have started treatment at another hospital, I feel like the strain on our family would have been even greater, especially during COVID. I know that the relationships that Sarah made at Riley were precious to her. She felt loved and cared for by her doctor and nurses. The protocol would have been the same at any other hospital- as they all follow a plan that is devised for all of the pediatric oncology units that are networked together. Again, we could always wonder if another drug or chemo combo would have worked against her tumor, but that same chemo could have made her life a living hell. What we tried, was tolerable, until it just wasn’t effective. I completely understand why sometimes cancer patients refuse treatment and just decide to live out their days. I feel like Sarah was still able to be herself and enjoy some quality of life, despite being so sick.

Should we have brought her home for her final days? I don’t think about this one very long. I absolutely feel like we did the right thing staying at Riley through the end of her life. Although the moment that Sarah went to heaven was very sacred, I am thankful that I don’t associate that memory with our home. That was just our preference for our family and for Sarah. Our immediate family was allowed to stay in her room 24/7 so that we could all be together. Sarah appreciated that. She just wanted the 4 of us to be together and we were. We knew that her pain medications and oxygen needs were going to change drastically. So remaining there meant that we had quicker access to the help that she needed. Even the greatest hospice provider can sometimes struggle to support families in rural areas and honestly, pediatric hospice care is quite unique. Her healthcare team went above and beyond to honor and care for her during her final days. They actually still do. Several of them attended her Celebration of Life and I still receive messages from some of them. I have so much respect for the whole Hem-Onc unit. After all, they fight the cancer beast for kids every day. It’s such a hard job, but thank God that they feel a calling to do what they do. I’ve honestly heard several of them say that they absolutely look forward to the day that their unit is no longer needed. However, until that day, they are there for “their” kids and the people who love them.

Maybe, the one regret that I have is not getting Sarah’s Make-A-Wish going sooner. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to ask for and COVID really slowed down the whole process. Also, we would have risked a delay in her treatment had we attempted to travel or even spend a day out of the hospital. Ultimately, she decided what she really wanted was to sing and hang out for a bit with the Elevation Worship team from South Carolina. We were in the process of trying to set-it all up, but we simply ran out of time. However, a few days before she passed, she actually received a couple of very special video messages from 2 of her favorite Elevation Worship Team members. She was so excited to know that they were praying for her and were inspired by her faith. It meant so much to her! God totally arranged for it all too because the Make-A-Wish had nothing to do with how she got the messages. He’s good like that. Actually, as I think about this wish of hers for the ultimate worship concert, I’m reminded that she is living out this wish for all eternity now. That makes me smile.

So, would I have changed anything? My answer is probably-no. It all played out like it was supposed to. I know that Sarah’s quality of life changed a lot with her cancer diagnosis, but she was still able to be herself and find joy in her relationships, new and old. I’m sure the “What if’s” will not completely go away and that’s ok. I just can’t let them dominate my thoughts. So, I’ll choose to replace the “What ifs” with the “What nows?” and just keep moving forward trying to do the next right thing to honor her and her memory, until we’re reunited some day.

high angle photo of person s feet

At His Feet

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It was good to share with you again last week. I appreciate each and every one of you that takes the time to read what I write. Like any piece of art, it’s so personal. However, art is a personal expression that is meant to be shared. So thank you for letting me share with you! Sometimes I feel led to share things that I feel like God wants me to communicate to others and this time, I’m absolutely sure of that. Is this message for you? Or after reading it, is there someone that you know that this is for? Please share!

I’ve still been meditating a lot on the the story of Lazarus in the gospel of John. Even if you didn’t grow up in Sunday school, you may have heard of it. There’s actually a few stories of Jesus resurrecting other people, besides himself, from the dead. This is maybe the most famous one. Lazarus was the brother of Martha and Mary, which leads to another favorite story in The Bible. It’s found in Luke 10: 38-42. Martha and Mary are kind of famous sisters, who are so relatable to many of us ladies. Martha, is known as the busy body, who complained about Mary not helping her prepare for the guest, when Jesus was visiting. Jesus actually called Martha out for being distracted and worrying about many things that didn’t really matter…ouch. Mary is described as sitting at the feet of Jesus. Actually, throughout the gospels Mary seemed to always be at the feet of Jesus. You see she’s the same lady that poured her tears and extremely expensive perfume on Jesus feet and used her hair to wipe them. From one of those accounts, we learn that before Jesus, Mary had a bad reputation. However, she had experienced the transforming power of Jesus’s love and forgiveness. Her whole life was changed. She now had a family and was part of the “tribe,” if you will that followed Jesus. You can’t help but notice that Mary adored Jesus and she just wanted to be close to Him as much as possible.

So, while studying the story of the death of Lazarus,(John 11) I noticed a detail that so many of us can relate to and I want to share. Now, Mary and Martha had sent for Jesus to come help, when it was apparent that Lazarus was sick. However, Jesus purposely waited. Jesus knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he also taught us so much during those 4 days that Lazarus was in the tomb. I shared some of those things in my blog last week. Things specific to suffering. The thing that I want to share this week is about Mary. I think at times, as a lady, wife, and mom, it’s easy to relate to Martha. This time, I found myself relating to Mary. When Jesus finally came to help, Martha went to him alone, without Mary. Verse 20 tells us that Mary stayed home. Isn’t that interesting? Martha gets it right this time! The same Mary that was usually at his feet, suddenly doesn’t want to go to him. Mary was deep in grief and hurting badly. She was not acting like herself. What I love is that Martha came to her, as her sister, and told her to go to Jesus.(vs. 28) She actually told Mary that Jesus was asking for her. So, Mary went and scripture says she even went quickly. This is when true healing could begin. Mary actually fell back into her favorite spot, at the feet of Jesus. It’s here that one of the most beautiful passages of scriptures takes place. She weeps and shares her disappointment with The Savior and He cries with her. Scripture says that Jesus was deeply moved and even troubled. Jesus understands our pain! He doesn’t like it either. It’s only when we go to him with our real and honest emotions though that our healing can begin.

You know what I love about this?…It took Mary’s sister encouraging her to go to Jesus for all of this to happen. Martha reminded Mary of what was most important and that Jesus was waiting for Mary to come to Him. Oh sister, I’m here to tell you the same thing! Go to Him…He’s asking for you! What grief, pain, disappoint, or hurt do you need to let out to Him so that your true healing can begin? Can we give one another permission to remind each other to do that, when we see another sister in pain?

There’s another Bible story in Mark 10, where the disciples, who were brothers, James and John, ask Jesus for a favor. They ask Him if they can sit at his left and right in heaven. Jesus doesn’t give them the answer that they expect and uses it as an opportunity to teach them about servant leadership. After studying about the two sisters, I think the most prized place in heaven, will actually be at His feet. We don’t have to wait until heaven though. Right now, Jesus has room for you. He’s waiting, will you go to Him quickly?

Regarding Courage

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I know what courage is…

I’ve sat in a room and watched my 14 year old hear that she has cancer.

I know what courage is…

I’ve watched children sit still as they’ve been poked, examined, and had to endure hard procedures.

I know what courage is…

I’ve seen parents show up at appointments knowing they were about to be given bad news.

I know what courage is…

I’ve heard Doctors make phone calls to tell people that treatment wasn’t working.

I know what courage is…

I’ve seen nurses who carry the weight of knowing that death is coming, enter a patient’s room with so much compassion and love, and then have to leave to go take care of another patient, while acting like nothing’s wrong.

I know what courage is…

I’ve seen loved ones and friends show up to say their good-byes knowing that they’d probably never see our girl again

I know what courage is…

I’ve heard my own child tell me, she wasn’t worried about what would happen to her after she died, but she was more worried about me and the great sadness that I would feel.

I know what courage is…

I’ve stood beside her casket as it was about to be lowered in the ground and had to get in my car and leave.

I know what courage is…

I’ve walked into her bedroom and smelled her smell, seen her things, read her journal, and somehow managed to walk back out knowing she’d never be in that space with me again.

I know what courage is…

And what I’ve concluded is that dying takes a lot of courage, but living takes more. 

It would be easier to curl up and die with her, but I won’t. 

Courage can’t be ordered, shared, or given.

It’s dangled out in front of us like a choice

And it has to be chosen-in the moment.

Its counter-part is fear.

It screams louder and looks more appealing,

But its fake appeasement only brings with it more foes.

So, every day, I’ll choose courage. 

Courage to feel, deal, and be real- with my grief.

I know what courage is, but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have too.

Kim Taylor

7/9/2021

I’m a “Tree Hugger”

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If you’ve studied The Bible for any length of time, then you know there are a few passages in scripture that that sort of package up the gospel in a “nutshell” kind of way. Passages like John 3:16, Acts 2:38, Romans 5: 6-9 are just a few. They’re beautiful short explanations of what Jesus accomplished for us when He came and gave himself up for us on the cross. In the Old Testament there’s a beautiful passage in Isaiah 61 that summarizes exactly what Jesus came to do for us too. It’s not short and sweet like the others, but I love how it contains so many promises to specific groups of people. It’s prophetic because it was written way before He was born in the manger, but also because not everything that it predicts has happened…yet. Some of it has, but there’s so much more to look forward to in these verses. Are you poor? Are you brokenhearted? Have you ever felt like a captive or a prisoner of something? Have you ever been treated unfairly or experienced an injustice? Are you grieving?…Then this passage is for you.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

    that have been devastated for generations.

Isaiah 61: 1-4

I specifically love the promises to the person who mourns and is grieving. There is so much hope for those of us who have suffered from sin’s biggest weapon-death. Since death was never part of God’s plan, grief wasn’t either. Yet, God promises to redeem our grief. He offers comfort while we wait, promises beauty for our ashes, the “oil of joy”-instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Don’t you love that imagery? When we’re grieving, it literally feels like we’re covered in a blanket of despair. Life feels heavy as we sit in the ashes of our loss. Jesus is the only one that can take what we have left of our life after a devastating loss and make something beautiful- if we let Him. He promises to replace our mourning with the “oil of joy”–the kind of oil that is so fragrant that it oozes out from us. So much so that when we’re around others, they notice and can’t help but get a little on them too. One day, He will forever lift the blanket of despair and cover us with His garment of praise. It’s the exact opposite of the “sackcloth” that is mentioned often in scriptures, that was worn by those who were mourning or outwardly expressing their grief. His garment of praise is a thing of beauty. It signifies celebration, freedom, and life and I can’t help but think that when we’re wearing it, we won’t be able to stop ourselves from dancing! While we live on this earth, our grief is always going to be on us, but someday…It will be thrown into the depths of hell, along with the enemy, death, cancer, suicide, depression, and all the other things that came with sin.

The following verses in this passage refer to us–the ones who are rescued and redeemed by Christ–as “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” As I process that, some words that come to mind with that imagery are: beauty, strength, endurance, fortitude, deep roots, weathering the seasons, a shelter for others. One of my most favorite vacation places has become St Simons Island, GA. One of the reasons why is because of the ginormous Oak trees that inhabit the island. I literally turn into a tree hugger, when I’m there! Many of them are hundreds of years old. They have so much character and history. They have weathered many a hurricane, but still have a beautiful majestic grace about them. How encouraging that we can grow into something so wonderful. Growth is not always easy and it takes time, but wow! When we let our roots grow deep we can survive and thrive. I’m so thankful that those trees on the island didn’t just give up and die and neither must we.

Oaks on St Simons Island

If you are familiar with this passage, than you may know that part of this scripture appears again in the New Testament in Luke 4. It’s extremely significant because Jesus, used this passage to proclaim that He was the Messiah. He stood before his own hometown and proclaimed that He was the one that that would fulfill all of the promises in this very treasured messianic prophecy that every person in that temple would have known, like we know our ABC’s. As you can imagine, it wasn’t easily accepted. Luke tells us that all the people were furious and that they even drove him out of his own hometown and tried to drive him off a cliff! Their failure to recognize who they were with, and the power of His words– meant that they missed out on the greatest gift that was every given to them.

Friends, it’s my prayer that you don’t miss out too. These promises are for you and Jesus is who He says He is! He’s the only one that can permanently fix our broken hearts. Will you recognize Him today and the ways that He wants to minister to you? Will you accept His “garment of praise,” instead of staying under the weight of the spirit of despair? Find comfort from the one who hates death and grief more than we do.

I’ve only barely scratched the surface of what this passage means. I encourage you to research it for yourself. There is so much hope in between the lines of Isaiah 61. I know that’s why Jesus used it to kick off his ministry. Is there something on the pages of this passage that speaks to your heart? Share with us!

Inside My Head

Categories The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. God has been prepping me, prodding me, and encouraging me to let go of any fears that I have about it. I’ve always said that aging people lose their “filters” because they are more comfortable with themselves and they just don’t care what other’s think about them anymore. I wish I could be more like that. I confess that I want people to like me and be comfortable around me so, that’s where the struggle has been. I don’t want anyone to think that I am “unstable.” I am ok. I am strong and feel very supported and hopeful. So, please do not read more into this than necessary. My goal in sharing is simply to raise awareness to the issue of grief and child loss. So therefore let me invite you into my head for a day in the life of a grieving mom…The thoughts inside my brain will be in quotations…

My brain slowly wakes my body as I realize, it’s time to get up and go to the bathroom. “What time is it?”…Then it hits me, “Sarah died.”…”Did I have a dream about her? I wish I could remember.” Stumbling through my morning routine…”Getting up will make me feel better”…contemplating the sick feeling in my tummy because I know she’s not sleeping in her room. I listen for Libby to see if she’s waking up on her own, if not, I go to her room to turn her lamp on and wake her. At some point during this routine, I say good-bye to Chad for the day. As he looks at me, I imagine that he’s wondering how my day will go and he’s thinking, “Is she ok? or is it going to be a hard day?”

As I pass by Sarah’s door, I have to look in there…”Maybe I can see her in there.” I want so desperately to see her as she is now, healed and whole. As I glance, my stomach turns over with grief and tears swell in my eyes, but they don’t always fall. “I just miss her Jesus!” I continue to head downstairs and on with my day and decide not to give into the grief. I enjoy my coffee, catch up on my FB feed, watch the news, help Libby stay on schedule with her morning routine, and tell her good-bye as she heads to school.

Then, it’s just me and Jesus. I read, listen to worship music, sometimes write this blog, and about every 5-10 minutes the thought that Sarah is no longer here enters my mind. It never stops through out my day. Sometimes when the thoughts come, physically my heart flutters or my stomach churns. Often times my knees get weak, but in time I’ve learned to push back the urge to fall and I just keep going on with the day. On the good days, I counter those thoughts, with the truths from scripture. Sometimes though the sadness wins and that’s ok. I need to let the emotions out.

Most of you know, Sarah played piano. She played very well and was a natural. At some point in the morning, my routine has been to sit at the piano and play. Sometimes I play for hours. Sometimes, it’s just one song. There’s a nearness to her and God that I feel when I play. I know she’s making music in heaven somehow. I’m thankful for the gift of music and how it connects us. It helps to know that through her memorial fund we’re going to be able to help other kids discover their gifts through music.

As I continue on with my day, I visit with family, friends, do chores, and other business, I laugh, I feel joy, and have my same sense of humor; but every few minutes, my brain reminds me that we’ve lost Sarah. It still stings. Even after 7 months it feels surreal. Some days if I’m going to town, I go by her grave. Some days if I’m going to town, I just can’t. Some days when I see her phone, I pick it up and scroll her photos, or watch her videos so that I can hear her voice and her laugh, but some days I can’t. It just hurts to much.

I have no expectations for what my days should be like. I’m doing the best that I can to minister to others through our pain because I feel very strongly that I’m suppose to. That’s the only thing that I’m sure of. God wants to use our grief journey, just as He used her cancer journey, to somehow strengthen other’s faith and give hope to those who are hurting. If you’re grieving, your days may be completely different than mine. If you’re grieving for a significant other, a child, or someone that you were extremely close to, I’m curious to know, how often your brain reminds you of their passing? For me, some days it’s more than others, but every day-it’s still a lot. I know there’s no right or wrong answer. The important thing is how I counter the negative with thoughts of hope. I discovered a verse again that has helped me:

But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. 1 Thessalonians 5:8

I know, it’s that “hope” word again! This verse confirms that the hope of our salvation protects our minds. How cool is that? Our faith and love acts as shield for our hearts, but our minds are not without a defense. Oh, how I need protection right now as I’m in the trenches of grief.

I read a unique analogy of grief recently. I honestly don’t remember where it was, but it basically said that our grief is sort of like an infant at first. It requires a lot of nurturing and work at first. As it progresses and ages, much like a toddler and a child, it won’t require as much supervision, but it’s certainly still necessary to give it plenty of attention and care. Eventually, it matures. It will always be there and we can visit it and attend to it, but it’s no longer necessary to devote so much time to tending to it and caring for it.

I’d like to know if those of you who have been grieving for a while, agree with that analogy? I’m really curious to know how often your thoughts take you to your grief? Are you reminded often of your loss? If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

2:00AM Poetry

Categories Poems, The First Year, Uncategorized, , , , , 
We claim, collect, and clutch
As we gather much
Staking our ground
And settling down
In our palace
Like we’re the masters of our manors-
Managing our estates
When we should feel more like tenants
Or do I dare say it- servants?
Who carefully consider every gift,
Every piece,
Every thing,
We’ve been given.
It’s all property
That we’re borrowing
From The King.
Even the very air in our lungs
Can’t be kept.
We inhale one breath
Only to let it exhale
Not knowing how many more
We will be given.
I think it was by design
That we were made incapable 
Of holding it forever.
The Creator knows
That we would try to hoard
Even the life giving oxygen,
If our lungs allowed.
Nothing here is eternal
And the more we try
To age in reverse
And break the curse,
Save the planet-
It just gets worse
As ugly reveals more ugly
AND
We just want it to stop.
Corruption, decay, erosion-
Our earthly kingdoms crumble
Under the weight of sin and time.
Our skin grows thin
And our bones grow dry
As life itself passes by.
Temporary-
That’s all a tent is made for.
Repair, reinforce, patch-
All feeble attempts
To prolong the inevitable.
Temporal-
What if we lived
Like we knew we were dying?
What if every breath,
Every piece of bread,
Every sunrise and sunset-
Were gifts
Meant to be enjoyed
And not expected?
What If our most prized possessions
Were ALWAYS the things
That loved us back
And turned out to not be “things” at all?
What if the stuff we used here
Became tools
Just to manage well 
What the King has chosen you and me
To be in charge of
While He’s away?
This place might feel different
But it was NEVER
Suppose to feel like home.
You see,  
The King IS coming back.
And When He does-
He’ll know how to fix this mess
Once and for all.
Then, and only THEN,
It will finally feel like home.

-Kim Taylor, 3/25/2021, 2:04AM

Anchors A-Way

Categories The First Year, , , , , , , 1 Comment on Anchors A-Way

So, if you’ve been following my blog for very long, then you’ll understand- for the past few days, 4:00am has been the new 3:00am.  Of course, Daylight Saving’s time has something to do with that, I’m sure.  For about a month, I’ve been sleeping much better.  I think it was probably because I had COVID in February and I was just so tired.  However, now I’ve shifted back into my old pattern of waking up again and when I look at the clock it’s almost exactly 4:00am.  When it usually happens, I have about 10 seconds of time before I remember.  Then, memories come flooding into my thoughts in this order, like scenes from a movie trailer almost:  Sarah’s death, scenes from the hospital, various scenes of our life since she’s been gone, and then my mind frantically searches for memories of her face before cancer.  I usually begin talking to Jesus and asking Him to help me see her now, even if it’s only an image that I’m imagining, based on what I know to be true about heaven.  After a few minutes of this battle in my mind, and realizing that I’m not falling back to sleep, I’ll continue to pray and talk to Jesus about the things and the people that are on my heart.  Sometimes, I’ll just go ahead and get up and turn on the coffee pot.  I’ve had some really beautiful and sacred moments with God in these times. 

This morning, as I was praying, the Holy Spirit gave me 2 words that I feel very strongly that I’m supposed to share.  I know that these words are for more than just me.  I didn’t hear them, I saw them as giant text that my mind actually had to read to digest.  It was this…CHOOSE HOPE.   That’s what I saw in all white colored and capital blocked font lettering.  Those “vision” kinds of things don’t usually happen to me.  Not that I haven’t desired it, but that’s just not how God usually speaks to me.  Without a doubt though, I know it was from Him and that I was supposed to share.

Is that message for you?  I can certainly relate to the message that was given.  I’ve written about the topic of Hope before.  The Bible tells us that Hope is the Anchor for our souls in Hebrews 6:19.  The thing about anchors though, is they have to be attached to something to work.  If an anchor’s rope has been severed it is useless and probably sitting at the bottom of the lake.  The vessel that it was once attached too, probably drifted or wandered into places that it didn’t want to go.  Is that happening to you?  Sometimes, our rope isn’t severed, but we can let our rope that’s attached to our anchor of hope get to long.  When we do that- we drift further away from the truth than we should.  Keeping the rope shorter, protects us and allows us to feel the tug, when we start to drift too far. 

Hebrews 6:19 is quoted and displayed often and rightly so, but there’s a second part to the verse that’s equally as beautiful when you understand the imagery. It actually flows right into verse 20 with a powerful truth.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.” Hebrews 6:19 NIV

This is one of those passages that I love to use the Bible App to read in all the different versions.  The verses translates the same, but different versions paint better images for us of what it means.  I encourage you to dig in and study it for yourself.  The way that I interpret this passage is that the anchor of Hope is placed in the very presence of God, where Jesus also is and because we are attached to that anchor, we are attached to Jesus who is acting on our behalf as our eternal High Priest or mediator.  Now in Biblical times, the High Priest was the only one worthy enough to enter the Holy of Holies and offer a blood sacrifice atonement for the forgiveness of sins.  So the significance here is about what Jesus did for us on the cross and how He enters into the presence of God on our behalf to atone for our sins and mediate for us with the Father.  It’s a beautiful picture of how He fulfilled Old Testament prophecy.  I love that it’s all attached to Hope.  That’s the thing that we must grab onto and not let go of to stay connected to the very presence of God. 

You see, God will never sever the rope.  We have to hold on to it though.  Let’s rewind a bit more and read what scripture says before verse 19:

“God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.  So God has given both his promise and his oath.  These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie.  Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.” Hebrews 6: 17-18 NLT

The Message translation actually say’s “grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go.  It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline.”  Do you see the preface to the promise?  YOU have to grab on and not let go!  No matter how much it hurts, no matter how far away you get from the anchor, just please don’t let go.  This message isn’t just for the grieving, it’s for the living.  Although, I feel very strongly that AS I grieve, the hope that I have has changed HOW I grieve.  Grace In Grieving has grown out of a desire to share that hope and connect with others who are grieving.  It’s my prayer that together we would choose hope and keep encouraging one another to not let go.

So now I’m curious…who was my word vision for?  Would you be bold enough to let me know and claim it for your own?

Thanks for reading, sharing, commenting.  Every click helps support the message of hope!