What makes grieving so hard is that the pain never goes away. I’m learning to live with the pain and grow around it, because it is the only way to have any sort of normal existence. When Sarah’s heart stopped beating, the old me died too.
I wonder when we get to heaven, do we still have a heart? Is there a new immortal, unbreakable and perfect version that beats with the pulse of heaven and warms our new heavenly bodies with the flow of love through our new and improved bodies? In my imagination, I feel like we’ll be able to see each other’s hearts, if we have them. Maybe we’ll have translucent bodies. Will we be able to look into each other’s hearts and see all the wonderful things that fuel our spirit and fill us with love and joy. Maybe there will be pictures or memories that we can see at a glance.
However, my earthly heart is still so broken. I feel like the band aid on the deep heart break of losing her rips off sometimes so easily-especially in September, and I can feel myself bleeding out. It gets hard to breathe. Then Jesus comes along and squeezes it back together and holds me for a while. He gives me His breath of life and reminds me that He’s holding Sarah too.
This year on her heavenly anniversary I’m reminding myself that it was Sarah’s best day ever. We don’t know how we’ve even made it this far, but here we are. 3 years closer to being together again. I’m reminded often that if Sarah had to do it all again, she would. I don’t think she fully understood the impact she was having. The fire has been lit and we will not let the flames die. The beauty of it is though, that even if only one or two of her closest friends realized how Jesus changes everything, she’d be willing.
We commemorate this day by working with our earthly hands and aging bodies to build something old and something new because that is the heart of God. To restore the places that have long been neglected or abused. He’s a God of restoration. A place where heaven will meet earth and the exact word that has been whispered to me so many times lately is that it’s a “Gate.” Makes sense, doesn’t it?… A barn and a gate…go together so perfectly, but of course it does. We know who’s writing this story. We can’t wait to open those big sliding doors and let people in. We all could use a lot more of heaven on earth and that’s exactly what God is getting ready to do.
Wanna follow the progress of the barn? You can find them here: https://www.youtube.com/@kimtaylor2805