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When will I Ever Be Ready to…

When will I ever be ready to…

…Unpack your bag that came home with us after you passed away at the hospital.? It’s sitting in my bedroom with your clothes and things that you used.  It’s just like we used to keep it packed for those emergency trips to Riley when you would spike a fever. I just can’t bring myself to move it and put the things inside “away.”

…Dump the trash that’s in the trash can in your room?  I mean, there’s dirty Kleenexes in there and crumpled up post it notes, etc….Things that contain your DNA.  I just can’t get rid of it.

…Remove your clothes from yours and Libby’s closet?  They’re still there.  I mean, she could use the space.  She doesn’t seem to mind sharing with you still.  Sometimes we borrow things for the day, just like we would if you were here.  It helps us feel your presence wrapped around us a bit I guess. 

…Throw away your popsicles and sherbet that’s in the freezer?  I mean it’s just taking up space, but they’re yours.  I’m sure they’re freezer burnt by now.  I still look at them every time I get in there. It’s so strange not needing to buy your favorite snacks. I’m so thankful that you enjoyed eating up until the very end.

…Unpack your school backpack?  We even kept it packed when you were going through treatment.  Everything you’d need if you were just a normal sophomore in high school is in there.  Your planner, your notebooks, your favorite pencils.  You were such a good student.  You became such a planner. 

…Throw out your make-up, hair-brush, deodorant, etc?…All of it touched you and you chose.  You were so particular about your beauty products. Never wanting to over-do it.  You were just a natural beauty.  Again, more of your DNA.  How can I toss it?

… To stop looking at your phone every night? I’m so thankful to have your pictures, videos, even thoughts about things right there in my hand, but I wonder sometimes, does it increase my sadness when I go there? Sometimes I just need to hear you say “I love you Mom.” So, I watch and I listen, sometimes with my eyes closed and the tears just begin to flow.

Sometimes it feels like you left us just yesterday.  Sometimes it feels like it’s been an eternity all ready. Every day we finish here is another day closer to being with you.

Do I keep these traces of you because I can’t accept that you’re gone and not coming back?  Do I keep them because it would hurt too much to just throw away what’s left of these pieces of your life?  Am I holding myself back from healing by holding on to these things?  I don’t know.

11 thoughts on “When will I Ever Be Ready to…

  1. Grieving for you ! I can’t even imagine ! I love you Kim !!!! Continued prayers for you and you and the family.

  2. Praying for you and everyone going through this journey along side you. The journey never ends. Remembering is forever. Tears will flow but laughter will also. Thank you for sharing through your grief. It is helping many others who are on the journey. 23 Ps. “Though I walk through the valley of death, my God is with me. ” You are never alone though you may feel lonely. Again I pray for you. God Bless ❤️

  3. Oh my goodness. Your story resonates with me possibly more than any other I’ve come across so far! And the photos make it so personal! Keep writing, Grace. The only good that come from this is that you never know when you may be helping someone who is going through a similar situation!

  4. Part of your post reminded me of a poem I wrote after my Grammy passed away. I haven’t shared this on my blog yet but I thought you might appreciate it.

    Yesterday

    You’ve gone from present tense to past
    So suddenly it seems
    I used to see you any time
    Now only in my dreams

    Though it’s a year since you’ve been gone
    That doesn’t seem the case
    I see you walking down the street
    I feel your warm embrace

    Ten years are gone and still I grieve
    And long to feel your touch
    The passing time confuses me
    It’s little, it is much

    I hear your voice just like before
    You ever went away
    It is forever you’ve been gone
    And it is yesterday.

  5. If you choose to keep something, to smell, to touch, to hold, that would be your very intimate decision and if it brings you any comfort at all, then do it. You can still get the scent of someone you love and ache to see again.
    It is still so soon after her passing. Your heart and mind are the ones to let you know when it’s time to unpack something or let go of any personal items.
    It is SO painful. I pray for you all. Love you 💕

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