3:00 am…that magical hour of the night that no matter what, I can’t seem to sleep through. I’ve always been a light sleeper. As the girls aged and became more independent, I managed to sleep better for a while, but Sarah’s cancer diagnosis quickly had me sleeping with one eye open again. At the hospital, we were up several times throughout the night together. Most of her chemo treatments were actually given over-night, while she was inpatient. So, I’ve gotten use to not requiring much sleep. I didn’t mind waking up to help her. It was my honor to care for her. It’s what mom’s do.
At times, I can’t wait to fall to sleep. I desperately want to dream about Sarah. I still haven’t seen her in my dreams, since she’s gone to heaven. For a few days, my dreams were about looking for her. Going from place to place, always being just a few steps behind her. I’m so curious about what she will look like in my dreams. Will she have hair again? Will I be able to hear her voice in my dream? I long to hear her call out “Mom” again. I tried so hard not to take for granted something that seems so precious to me now.
She actually didn’t require much sleep, unless she was really feeling bad. She stopped napping at a very early age and seemed to feel like she was missing out, if she wasn’t awake. Some of our most cherished conversations happened at night. She was always so introspective and did her most spiritual thinking then. When she was little and I would go to tuck her in, that’s when she asked her deepest questions about life. I would do my best to give her answers, but sometimes I would just have to admit that I was still learning too. Inevitably, I would always find myself wondering if she was just avoiding having to go to sleep. I started saying “This seems more like a day-time question vs. a night-time question. So, let’s talk about this tomorrow.” Sometimes that would work, but sometimes I couldn’t resist finishing our conversation until it seemed she was at peace with her thoughts and most of all, with God. Sometimes, when I would have to just admit that I didn’t know the answer, I would remind her what I do know about God is that He loves us and He will always do what is best for us. We can trust Him.
I find myself waking up and missing her so badly. Longing to see her face and hear her call out to me. I find myself needing to too ask God some really hard questions in the middle of the night too. I always hear the same response… “I love you so much and I will always do what’s best for you.” I’m trusting in that. I know that Sarah being healed and perfect in heaven is definitely what’s best for her. It certainly doesn’t feel like what’s best for me. Being a mom though, how can I put my needs before hers? I can’t… I won’t. I’ll hurt, if it means that she doesn’t. After all, it’s only for a little while.
So, those of you who are grieving the loss of someone significant in your life. Do you have dreams about them? Do you see their face? Do you hear their voice? Do you interact with them? Tell me about it by commenting below.